President Assad of Syria announced yesterday that he had authorized limited missile strikes against the United States of America. “The United States has consistently violated international law and civilized standards of behavior,” he said. “It has gathered the greatest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction ever assembled, and it is in fact the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons. It has unleashed drone strikes against at least seven other nations, murdering thousands—it has even used drones to kill its own people. And the US has routinely employed torture, a practice that has been condemned and outlawed for decades—it has even tortured its own citizens.”
He explained that Syria had no territorial ambitions, that there would be no Syrian boots on the ground, and that his goals did not include regime change.
“There comes a time when the international community must stand up and send a message that some things will not be tolerated. If we fail to send that message today we can be sure the US will be emboldened to use drones and torture in the future. We encourage our allies—anyone there? Anyone at all?—to join us, but if Syria is the only country with the moral clarity to act, we will act alone.”
When reminded that the UN Charter and international law forbade any nation from attacking any other sovereign nation without UN approval or “an imminent attack on its territory” he offered a one word response in English: “Duh!”